


The Road To Hell

by Voltaikura



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Foul Language, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26802907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voltaikura/pseuds/Voltaikura
Summary: Before the Apocalypse-That-Didn’t-Happen, Crowley used holy water to kill Ligur. After the Apocalypse-That-Didn’t-Happen, Ligur returns. But now he’s an Angel. His husband, Hastur, makes a deal with Tonya, the Demon who grants wishes, to help him find out what happened to Ligur and how to change him back. If Tonya helps him, maybe she’ll get a promotion! Maybe.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Hastur/Ligur (Good Omens)
Comments: 59
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

Picture this if you will, Dearies:

It’s the opening to 75% of teen movies: A pretty average teenage girl who isn’t really noticed or doesn't have a lot of friends at school is wishing that she was popular. She’s a perfectly nice girl with goals and a good work ethic, she’s just shy. Meanwhile the popular kids are probably right wankers who never lifted a finger to work in their lives and just rely on Mommy and Daddy’s money to make their lives great.

It’s the story of almost every single teen movie you’ve seen.

Thankfully, this is not that story.

It’s the story of me.

And I am not the pretty average girl wishing to be popular.

I am the Demon who will grant her that wish.

There is a saying that goes, “Be careful what you wish for, or you just might get it.”

I don’t know if whoever said that was talking about me when he did, or if he even met me, but I like to think it’s about me!

My name’s Tonya, Viscountess of Hell, and I am a Demon who grants wishes. 

There’s always a price or a little twist, of course. I’m not a nice Demon, that’s an oxymoron. Have you ever heard the story about King Midas? The greedy old man who wished everything he touched would turn to gold, but then realized his mistake when he turned his daughter into a gold statue? The ancient Greeks passed that off as a myth, but it was true! I granted him that wish! ME! In most tellings of the story, there’s a saccharine old ending where he unwishes the wish and everything goes back to normal. That part is false. The true part is I told him there would be a cost to his wish, not just his soul belonging to Hell, but the wish having unintended consequences. He got mad I tricked him, took a swing at me, but he swung into his own face and turned HIMSELF to gold. He and all his golden things made me a nice pair of earrings, they did.

So here we are, in the room of the pretty average teenage girl who wants to be popular. She would give anything to be popular, even her soul. Now, she promised her soul would belong to Hell in exchange for being popular, and that’s what I did! When she woke up, she was popular. She was, as the kids say, “trending”. Just not for the reasons she wanted. Her classmates and all the other people in her life were suddenly interested in her because she was wanted for the murder of six people.

Hey, being a murder suspect would make anyone popular in the BAD sense of the word. Wish granted!

Now, being able to grant wishes and get sooooooooo many souls secured for Hell, you’d think I’d be more than just a Viscountess after about 6000 years. If only. The sad truth is that my wishes can be undone by more powerful Demons, or souls can be taken by Heaven if the person who made the wish becomes very devout. Y’know, they become a monk or a nun or a priest or one of those. You know many souls I’ve lost? Me neither. I’ve lost count.

You know what I wish for?

A PROMOTION.

But I can’t grant my own wishes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Lindsay Caraway for being my beta reader!!  
> Hastur finally makes an appearance and makes a deal with Tonya.

Another deed of the day was done. I was walking back into the overly-crowded and dirty office that is Hell, about to recount the deeds of the day, when I was stopped by none other than the Bastard Who Must Be The Father Of All Bastards, Kapaneus. He always had a way of making you feel like your accomplishments, and by extent you, were nothing. He was also a Viscount, and he wanted a promotion, too. I must admit, he was good at what he did, tempting people to do bad, but he was lazy, which is why he was still a Viscount. Didn’t like to do work, he didn’t. No work, no promotion. As he approached, I felt Shirley, the cuckoo bird that always sits on my head, start to tense up. Shirley doesn’t like that old rotter, either.

“Hey, Tonya!” Kapaneus shouted at me, “You get another insecure teenage girl to promise her soul in exchange for popularity? How cliché! Find a challenging target, for once!”

“Go smoke a salmon, ya big galoot!” I screamed at him, “At least I’m working and not sitting around like a lazy lump!”

I’m not entirely sure what a ‘galoot’ is. I just know if you call someone by a word in the context that it’s meant to be an insult, they will take it as such. Good enough for me.

“I heard I’m closer to getting a promotion,” the bastard sneered, “Soon you’ll be calling me Count Galoot!”

“Awa n’ bile your head!”

That’s when I left. Shirley flapped her wings and made unhappy coo-coo noises as I unintentionally jostled her around. The little animals Demons have as companions seem to sense what we’re feeling, it’s nice to have something that feels your frustration. 

“You shouldn’t taunt Tonya like that,” I heard one of the Disposable Demons say.

“Ha!” Kapaneus waved off his concern, “What’s she gonna do? Make me watch her show about the monk man until my eyes melt?”

‘There’s an idea,’ I thought.

I stormed into one of the storage closets were I could cruse out Kapaneus in private. We called it the ‘Closet O’ Rage’ ‘cause it’s where all Demons went when they wanted to throw a fit and be left alone. The thing that made me throw a fit was usually Kapaneus. The only thing that I think ever liked him was the hagfish around his neck, but I think even the hagfish had some form of disdain for him.

I wanted a promotion and I wanted it sooner than him. The fastest way I knew to get one of those is to have a Demon ranked Duke or above put in a good word for me, but why in Hell would any of them do that? Demons don’t exactly go helping each other. And besides, I didn’t know of any such high-ranked Demons that needed their wishes granted.

As I was mulling over my little dilemma, I heard something from the way back part of the closet. It sounded like horrible sounds of someone in pain. I do enjoy the pain of those who aren’t me, so I went to investigate and maybe laugh at the poor diddy. I do like a good laugh!

As luck would have it, the noise was Duke Hastur. Y’know, Duke Hastur? Always hung around Duke Ligur, the one with the chameleon on his head? Well, Hastur has a frog on his head. Sound familiar?

Whatever.

I didn’t know Hastur that well, but I knew more about him than he probably knew about me. I knew he was a Duke of Hell who always hung around Ligur and took particular pleasure in tormenting humans, Angels, and other Demons alike. I also knew he didn’t like jokes and had a very nasty temper. I assumed he knew the same basic four things every Demon knew about me: I have a cuckoo bird on my head, I grant wishes, I love me a good murder mystery, and I really love a television programme called “Monk”.

Yes, the irony of a Demon liking “Monk” is not lost on me.

Poor old Hastur was making the horrible noises of someone in pain. He was crying, I do think. It was a weird thing to see, a Demon like Hastur crying.

You know what else would be a weird thing to see? A full-grown rhinoceros hatching out of a wee chicken egg. I bet if a person saw that, it would really mess them up.

I figured maybe if I could fix whatever was making Hastur upset, he’d talk me up to the Big Bosses. Now, I’m not a stupid Demon. I didn’t get to be over 6000 years old by being stupid. I knew to watch myself around Hastur, he had a nasty temper and could easily discorporate me if I looked at him funny. I did not wish to be discorporated anytime soon, so I tread carefully when approaching.

“Are you crying, Dearie?” I asked, “You better hope Beelzebub doesn’t catch you crying, it’s most un-Demonlike behaviour.”

“What do you care?” Hastur growled at me.

“I don’t,” I answered, “It’d certainly be weird if Demons were all caring about each other. I just think you’re not in any mood to give up your position of Duke, but you might be forced to if Beelzebub caught you crying. And, uh, I do think Kapaneus has his eye on your job. I assume the last thing you want is to lose your position to ol’ Hagfish-Face.”

“Get baptized, Tonya! I know YOU’RE the one always chasing a promotion.”

“Okay, you’re not wrong. But you’ve gotta think I deserve a promotion more than that guy! Seriously, when was the last time he got someone on our side? Three years ago?”

“Go away, Tonya.”

I noticed then that Hastur was holding a little chameleon statue.

“What’s that you’ve got?” I asked to be nosey.

“None of your business,” he snapped and started to walk away.

“What’s it for?” I continued to pester him, “Is it because… Oh…”

It had been about six months since the Apocalypse-that-didn’t-happen and Crowley, the Demon who went and screwed up Armageddon for the rest of us, killed Ligur, Hastur’s best friend and partner in crime, with holy water. Hastur never recovered from that. Seeing the only entity you’ve ever actually liked melt into a pile of burning goo would traumatize anyone. He wanted to kill Crowley in the same manner that Crowley killed Ligur, but it turns out Crowley was immune to holy water. That just made things worse for old Hastur. Demons don’t like anyone, especially not other Demons. The only creatures we don’t like more than other Demons is probably Angels. But Hastur and Ligur actually liked each other. They were inseparable since creation. A constant in each other’s immortal lives. And to have that constant gone I think really messed Hastur up. Still in denial of the whole thing, he was. Believed that Ligur couldn’t be completely gone, he did. Always said Ligur was still around. It was very sad.

You thought I’d gone soft, being all sympathetic, didn’t you?

HA.

I was NOT being sympathetic, I was acting! I sensed an opportunity to get Hastur to talk me up to the Big Bosses. I said I couldn’t grant my own wishes, but I can grant another Demon’s.

“I’m guessing you want Ligur back,” I said with a sly grin.

“O’ course I do, you stupid girl,” he stopped walking and replied in way that made me feel like he was done talking to me, but kind of still listening.

“And you know that I can’t bring back anyone, human or Demon, from the dead? BUT, maybe if we could find even the smallest trace of Ligur or his energy, we could use it to bring him back. We could, say, pull some strings and persuade the Big Boss to?”

“What’re you wittering about?” Hastur turned around to face me.

“I grant you some wishes and help you get Ligur back, you talk me up to the Big Bosses and finally get me promoted to a Countess.”

“Has that cuckoo bird scratched out part of your brain? Why would I do you any favours? Demons don’t exactly go helping each other. Especially YOU.”

“Because, dearie,” I smirked, “I know that as much as you want Ligur back, you want to make Crowley pay for what he’s done. I’m sure if Ligur were alive, he’d want some payback, too. Now, if Ligur were alive when everyone, including Crowley, thinks he’s still dead, imagine what a nasty surprise it would be for poor Crowley if a supposedly dead guy turned up at his door for revenge. And imagine the revenge you and your old partner could plot.”

Y’see, when you deal with a Demon, you have to appeal to the side of them that likes vengeance and torture and hurting those that screwed them over.

Hastur was thinking this over. Meanwhile, I was thinking over how exactly I’d go about bringing back a Demon that was destroyed by holy water. I can’t bring back the dead, especially not those who were completely destroyed, probably down to their atoms. I mean, God or Satan could absolutely do that, but like I was going to get an audience with Satan. And as if God would talk to a Demon. I had a plan, just needed to think of the plan part of the plan.

“You get Ligur back,” Hastur said to me, “And I can get you and that bird promoted to more than just a Countess.”

“Coo-coo,” Shirley chirped from atop my head.

“I agree with the bird,” I smiled, “You’ve got yourself a deal, Dearie!”

Actually, I don’t know what Shirley’s little coo-coo noises mean. I just like to pretend I do so I can make a point or insult people.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Lindsay Caraway for being my beta reader!

“Listen here,” I started to explain, “Because you don’t have a soul to give me and you already belong to Hell, I’ll grant you as many wishes as you want. All you need to do is say ‘I wish’, and I make it happen. Just remember, my powers have limitations besides the whole no resurrection; I can’t change the past, I can’t predict the future, and I can’t undo miracles done by Angels or Demons more powerful than me. What’re you gonna wish for first?”

“Wait,” Hastur stopped me, obviously not trusting me. “Every Demon in Hell knows that you have a nasty habit of twisting words. I want to know you’re not about to swindle me.”

“Uhm, alright. Wish for something harmless like, er, a packet of crisps.”

“Fine. I wish for a packet of crisps.”

I snapped my fingers and a packet of crisps appeared. I even opened them and showed Hastur there was no horrible surprise in the bag, like a snapping turtle or something. He took the bag and ate a crisp, but-

“These are stale,” he frowned.

“Every wish I grant always has an unwanted consequence,” I huffed, “I cannot help it. Now hurry up and make your first real wish!”

“If I’m to get Ligur back,” Hastur said pensively, “I’m guessing I should go to the place where he was done in. I’d most likely find a trace of him there, I would. I wish we was at Crowley’s flat.”

Made sense to me. If we revisited the scene of the crime, we might still be able to find a wee trace of Ligur left. If he did, we could take it back to Hell and hopefully sweet talk Satan into bringing him back from that tiny bit.

I snapped my fingers and we were in Crowley’s flat. More specifically, we were in the fridge in Crowley’s flat. I figure being crammed into a fridge, even one that wasn’t being used, was an unpleasant enough twist. Having your limbs all twisted up in unpleasant angles… Hey, don’t go feeling sorry for Hastur! I was in the bloody fridge, too! 

Hastur showed me where it was Crowley dumped the bucket of holy water on Ligur. But the stain was gone. There was no proof that the attack ever even happened. There should have been at least some small trace of his Demonic energy left, but I couldn’t feel anything. It was very confusing. I think it was making Hastur crazy.

“I don’t sense ‘im here,” Hastur sighed in a way that could actually be described as forlorn, “Nothin’.”

“It was a good idea you had,” I said, “Darlin’, I think he’s completely gone. Can’t get ‘im back. Eh, forget the deal. I’ll just get my promotion the old fashioned way-“

“No. He’s not gone.”

“Use your head, man,” I rolled my eyes at him, “Listen, you, yourself, saw him get melted. And there’s no way for a Demon to come back from THAT without a piece of them left.”

“I’m telling you he’s not gone! If he was, some part of me would’ve felt it and as it stands, I don’t feel nothing. He’s not gone, Tonya.”

“I get he was your best friend, but-“

Hastur punched the wall beside me and left a big hole. I made a note to fix it before Crowley came home and got suspicious.

“He was NOT just my best friend!” Hastur screamed at me in a horrible mix of rage and sadness, “He was more than a partner or anything like that! More than YOU could ever hope to understand! He was my HUSBAND!!!”

Hastur removed one of his gloves and thrust his finger with the ring on it in my face.

“Oooooooh,” I nodded in understanding, “That’s right, he was.”

I had almost forgotten those two were married. I mean, they had been for over 6000 years and weren’t obnoxious about it like some of those overly-flashy couples who think being married makes them better than everyone else. I guess I just forgot because of how not in-your-face about their marriage they were.

Okay, let’s just go a long way back for a little bit. All the way back to when Hastur and Ligur were still Angels. When they were still Angels, that’s when they fell in love. Since that happened, they rarely ever spent more than 10 minutes away from each other. They were kindred souls, they were. Found they weren’t happy about how Heaven was running its operation and started questioning the whole thing. Also, they found they took delight in messing things about and making chaos. When they fell from Heaven, they fell together. When they were in Hell and given their new Demon names, they got married.

No, I did not give them some of my Midas gold to make their rings. They can go get their own bloody gold!

Even after they were married, it wasn’t much different from when they were… I guess you could call it ‘dating’. You know, not married but still romantically and sexually involved. Demons don’t really have a concept of dating the way you humans do. And when I say being married wasn’t different for them, I mean they were still inseparable. Sure, other Demons and maybe the odd human or wayward Angel tried to tempt them into breaking their marital vows and having an affair, but it would never work. They only had eyes for each other. The six months following Ligur being melted was the longest they’d ever been apart.

I wasn’t married, still am not. No interest in pursuing anything like that. He was right, I didn’t really understand from a first-hand perspective what it meant to be married, but I always noticed how much love and devotion there was between Mr. Monk and Trudy. The amount between Hastur and Ligur was 20 times that. Hastur and Ligur would be called soulmates if they had souls. There were never other Demons who understood them they way they understood each other. No wonder poor ol’ Hastur was so depressed.

“Look,” I said as nicely as I could muster, “I admit I admire how strong you believe that Ligur could still be around somehow, but you gotta use some common sense. No Demon has ever come back from that, and I don’t think Ligur would be an exception. And if we can’t sense him here, the last place he was alive, then we won’t be able to find a trace of him anywhere else. You’re in pain, and that’s not helping-“

“I wish we were where Ligur is!”

I snapped my fingers and we splashed down into one of the ponds in Hyde Park.

“Lovely!” I sarcastically spat as I coughed up pond water, “I needed a bath! …Why in Heaven would Ligur be here?”

“I don’t know,” Hastur admitted, “But you brought us here, so we look for him here.”

“Seriously? I don’t know if your head’s been encased in a block of wax since the 14th century, but Hyde Park is huge and busy. The odds of us actually finding Ligur are-“

“There he is!” Hastur exclaimed and he began to run after a man who, I admit, his side profile did look like Ligur, even from that far away.

“Are pretty good,” I said as I followed Hastur, “I knew we’d find him!”

We ran after Ligur, managing to catch up with him easily using our Demonic speed (we could’ve just snapped out fingers and appeared in front of him, but that might attract too much unwanted attention from the humans). He turned around to see who was chasing him and calling out to him, and that’s when we noticed something wasn’t right about him. First, we noticed he was wearing a light blue-grey suit and there was no chameleon on his head. When he turned around, we saw his eyes weren’t their usually fiery colour. Instead, they were more like the colour of sapphires. He also didn’t have the dirt and grime or marks of illness Demons had. He was clean. The other thing we noticed was the distinctly Angelic energy he was radiating. 

This was an Angel we were looking at.

‘No wonder we couldn’t sense him,’ I thought.

“…Ligur…?” Hastur asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“No,” said the Angel Ligur in a prim and proper manner, “I’m not.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will happen to Ligur? I'll give you a hint, I wanted to avoid the Idiot Plot trope (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiotPlot).  
> I used my older art for this chapter, work kept me busy and I couldn't do a new picture.

Angel Ligur walked away. Both Hastur and I were frozen to where we stood in shock.

“That could’ve gone better,” I said.

Hastur began to wail like he was in pain, which he probably was. I snapped my fingers and we were in an abandoned warehouse I liked to go to for some quiet time. 

“It was him!” Hastur kept wailing, “It was HIM! What have those bastard Angels done to him?! He’s one of THEM!”

“Stop your blubbering!” I barked, “Look, we found him, that’s the first step. Now all we’ve gotta do is find out what exactly happened to him to make him one of those and… Do the opposite to make him a Demon, again.”

“How do we go about doing that?!” the distraught duke demanded.

“I dunno,” I admitted, “But we don’t do it today, no time. The Big Bosses will be expecting us back to recount the deeds of the day. On an unrelated note, I’m going to go do something else…”

I snapped my fingers and I was in Hyde Park again. I hadn’t gotten any souls that day and time was running out. If the Big Bosses found out I did nothing, I’d be no closer to getting my promotion. I noticed a sad man sitting on a bench looking at a beautiful woman in a suit as she walked by. He was obviously into her.

“I’d give anything to have Marsha notice me…” sighed the man.

“Anything, Dearie?!” I rushed over and sat beside the man, “And ‘anything’ does mean ‘anything’, even giving your soul to Hell?!”

“I…suppose-“ the man started to say.

“Close enough!” I vigorously shook the man’s hand, sealing his soul as ours. “Now to fulfill my end of the bargain. Marsha will notice you!”

I snapped my fingers and the man appeared in front of Marsha, but he had no clothes on. She noticed him, alright! She reacted as any sane person would by hitting him with her purse and running away to call the police about a flasher on the loose. I wiped the non-existent sweat from my brow. I got a soul! How could I have forgotten?! …Oh right, I was chasing a dead guy who wasn’t really dead. Bless that prat Hastur, distracting me with his missing his husband…

The next day, Hastur and I were going to go looking for Ligur again. But first, we had to figure out what happened to him. As we were leaving, guess who should stop us but ol’ King Of The Galoots Kapaneus. 

“Where are you two heading off to?” the galoot questioned as we headed to the entrance to Earth,

“Wouldn’t you like to nosey?” I harrumphed, “If you must know, ya big galoot, we’re going to the, er, library.”

“The library?” Kapeneus parroted, “Why would you be going there?”

“You can…find all sorts of…corruptible people in the library,” I tried to sound convincing, “Like, erm, the librarians who want people to be interested in books again. You get the public’s interest by resorting to the lowest level and filling the library with smut books. …Shut ye geggie.”

Hastur and I left. I don’t doubt Kapeneus was suspicious. Or, he would be if his brain weren’t the size of a pea and it could actually process suspicion. As Hastur and I headed to the elevator that would take us topside, he made something very clear to me.

“Don’t be getting any ideas, Tonya,” Hastur said without looking at me, “Just ‘cause we’ve got this agreement, it don’t make us friends.”

“‘Friends’?” I laughed at the very idea, “I wouldn’t dream of it! I just want my promotion and then I’m done interacting with you unless I’m forced to. Besides, I’m doin’ this for me. I want me promotion AND I want to solve the mystery of what happened to Ligur. I mean, if it is him.”

I know I said this already, but Demons, especially Demons like Hastur, don’t really have friends. It’s more like we make agreements with other Demons not to maim each other. Once Hastur and I were on Earth, he wished for us to be where Ligur was. He was in this garden, looking at the fish with iridescent scales in a pond as they swam by.

“Ligur?” Hastur called as softly as he could muster.

“I believe I already told you,” Ligur said impatiently as he turned to face us, “That is not my name. You must have me confused with someone else-“

As soon as Ligur saw us again, this look of recognition mixed with confusion passed over his face. He didn’t really get a good look at us yesterday after walking off in a hurry, but he saw us better now.

“Zadkiel?” he asked, squinting as if to see us better. “Antoiniael?”

Those were our names when we were Angels. No one had called us by those names in at least 6000 years.

“No…” Hastur took a step back and bit his knuckle until it bled, obviously the painful memories of being an Angel had come back. “We haven’t gone by those names in eons…”

“That’s right,” I cut in so Hastur could gather his thoughts, “We’ve got new names. That’s Hastur, and I’m Tonya.”

Ligur looked at me like he was either concerned or disgusted.

“What it is?” I asked.

“What happened to you?” he seemed to recoil in horror and gestured at the scars and scratches on my face, “Did someone smash a bottle on your face?”

“What happened to YOU?!” I glared at him and gestured at his suit and bolo tie, “Jimmy Carter have a yard sale?! What’d’ya want, ya big galoot? I have a bloody cuckoo bird on my head who gets grumpy a lot.”

As if sensing that was her cue, Shirley scratched my forehead.

“What happened to you two?” Ligur approached us with concern and curiosity, “I couldn’t sense you in Heaven. Or Raphael. Or Hesperus. Am I to understand that you and they are no longer in Heaven?”

“They all fell, Ligur,” Hastur began to explain, “So did you and I. You’re supposed to be a Demon and… Are we at least still married?”

“Married?” Ligur repeated, “I’m not married. And why do you keep calling me ‘Ligur’? My name as Raziel.”

“Not anymore,” Hastur kept going, “When you fell, you gave up that name. Your name’s Ligur now.”

“I haven’t fallen,” Ligur, or rather Raziel, scoffed. “I am an Angel, and I do believe the two of you are confused.”

“You fell with me”! Hastur jabbed a finger in Ligur’s face, “You fell with me, we got married, and just before Armageddon was supposed to happen, the traitor Crowley killed you with holy water!”

“What you’re saying can’t be true. I only ever loved Zadkiel, but I can’t find him. And YOU can’t be him, even though you look remarkably like him. Zadkiel was an Angel, heavenly and righteous. You? You’re corrupted and evil. Please, leave me be.”

“I wish Ligur had his memories back!”

“I don’t know if I can-“

“I wish Ligur had his memories back!”

I snapped my fingers and suddenly, Ligur froze in place. He fell to his knees and held his head like it was hurting him. He let out a scream of agony as the memories came back. When it was all over, he collapsed.

“Tonya!” Hastur grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, “What did you do?!”

“I gave him back his memories!” I pushed the angry duke away from me, “But I mostly gave him back the bad ones. There might be two or three pleasant ones in there, but I’m not sure.”

Hastur rushed to Ligur’s side, anticipating what would happen next.

“…Hastur?” Ligur gasped as he sat up and saw the face of his husband.

“Yes!” Hastur’s face broke out into a mad grin. I hadn’t seem look that happy since he burned down the Chattering Order of St. Beryl.

“Hastur,” Ligur’s face broke out into the smile of a hospital patient waking up and learning they survived something life-threatening, “Not Zadkiel. Hastur. My husband. I found you.”

They embraced right there. The embrace of, well, of two lovers that were separated for far too long and really missed each other. There was a big smoochy kiss, too, which was uncomfortable for me to watch. Shirley let out a SWARK!, which got their attention. They forgot I was still there.

“You remember everything, then, Dearie?” I asked Ligur while also trying to calm Shirley.

“Yes,” Ligur nodded but didn’t let go of Hastur, who was clinging to him like he’d disappear again. “I remember falling. I remember getting married to Hastur. I remember every single time a plan’s gone wrong. I remember learning that Crowley botched Armageddon, and going to punish him. I remember the horrendous pain of the holy water falling on me. And then… I remember waking up in Heaven with no memories.”

“Do you happen to remember why exactly you’re an Angel? Or why it is you’re not still a puddle of melted goo in Crowley’s apartment?”

“No,” he shook his head, “I just woke up and I was an Angel.”

“But what happened?!” Hastur demanded to know as he tightened his hold on Ligur, “Why did you come back as one of THEM?!”

“Well,” I spoke up and moved around the space like Mr. Monk would, “Those Archangels are a sneaky lot, they are. I have a theory. Here’s what happened:

“The Archangels must have gone back to Crowley’s apartment to look for him so maybe they could deal with him. But Crowley weren’t there, all they found was what used to be Ligur. The sneaky bastards figured if they could bring him back as an Angel, and wipe his memories of being a Demon, he’d be useful to have on their side. This would be seen as a victory for them, being able to resurrect a Demon and change him back to an Angel. It’d be their big upper-hand they could use to intimidate us Demons.”

“How did they bring me back?” Ligur looked at me like I was talking nonsense.

“I dunno,” I shrugged, “I haven’t thought about that part, yet. I’m not exactly an expert on how Angel’s go about doing things.”

“What would they do if I went and got my memories back?”

“They didn’t plan for that. You know how stupid the Archangels are. Especially Gabriel. I swear, there’re no brains under that hair o’ his.”

“Your theory has so many holes,” Ligur said, “But it’s all we have. Now that I remember everything, I remember how much I love being with Hastur and what wankers the Archangels are. How do I go about becoming a Demon again?”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead,” I admitted, “Don’t you worry, though. We’ll think of something. Just not right now, we should probably be going. Ever since the Big Bosses found out about Crowley’s little affair with an Angel, Hell’s been keeping a closer eye on us. If we hang around with an Angel for too long, they might catch us. Or they might smell your…  _ *Sniff* *Sniff*  _ …Heavenly scent on us and get suspicious. And we haven’t even done any deeds, yet. Hastur, Dearie, we should leave.”

Obviously, Hastur was reluctant to leave his beloved alone. The alternative would have been facing one of Hell’s more unpleasant punishments, which no one wants. Heaven was keeping a closer watch on its Angels, too, to make sure there weren’t anymore sneaky deals with Demons. We didn’t want the alternative, so we went our separate ways. I dunno what Hastur did to meet his temptation quotas, but I actually did go to a library. Didn’t fill it with smut books, but I met a university student who wanted nothing more than to earn this big scholarship. He did after some thugs threatened the dean of the university to give him the award or the dean’s family would be killed. The student learned about the thugs and, needless to say, felt incredible guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again, Lindsay Caraway, you are the best beta ever! (*´ ˘ `*).｡oO ( ♡ )  
> Also, Happy Halloween!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley make an appearance, and Hastur wants nothing more than revenge on Crowley for taking Ligur away from him. Of course, revenge doesn't go quite as planned when you get Tonya involved.

The next day, Hastur and I went to find Ligur again. I was stopped by Kapaneus again, asking sarcastically if I was going to the library in such a hurry. I just told him to go screw himself (not using such mild language, mind you) and went on my way. Hastur wished we were where Ligur was again, and we were in the bearded dragon exhibit of the reptile house. Ligur was looking at some of the chameleons they had, obviously missing the one he used to have on his head. I felt something I never felt before. I felt sorry for him. 

Perhaps I was getting some weird Demon illness?

Whatever. I actually forgot I was just doing all this work for a promotion and got distracted by the fact that this was like a big mystery to solve. It was like staring in a murder mystery, but without the murder. I felt like I was in an episode of my favourite programme!

“We’re going to find a way to fix you,” I said to Ligur confidently, “And we’re going to do it the Monk way.”

“I am NOT doing anything like a bloomin’ monk!” Hastur protested.

“Not a literal monk,” I sighed, “Adrian Monk, Dearie. The detective from the television programme? It was on from 2002 until… Never mind. I mean we’re going to do it logically. Now, what do we know about the situation so far?”

“This happened after the Apocalypse di’n’t?” Lgiur offered.

“That’s right,” I nodded, “And who do we know that made the Apocalypse not happen?”

“Crowley…” Hastur snarled with venom dripping from his voice, “Crowley and that blasted Angel… I wish we were where that flash bastard is right now!”

I snapped my fingers and the three of us were in a tree in a Green Park.

“You mentioned he had an Angel?” I said uncomfortably from my position of having my limbs all tangled up in the tree.

“I did,” Hastur burned away one of the branches jabbed into his side, “His name’s Aziraphale, or something like that.”

“The Archangels mentioned him,” Ligur cut in, “He and Crowley’ve been in some sort of agreement since the 1600’s. Immune to Hellfire, he is.”

“And that traitor’s immune to holy water,” said Hastur as we climbed down from the tree, “That Angel’s guarding him or something.”

“Guarding him?” I scratched my head and tried to picture that.

I never met the Angel that Crowley always hung around, but when Hastur said the Angel was guarding him or something, I imagined him being a hulking brute of an Angel with comically small wings on his back and he beat up anyone who so much as looked at Crowley funny. We saw Crowley sitting on a picnic blanket, with-

“There’s the blasted Angel, now,” Hastur pointed to an adorable little pudgy blonde man in a tan coat opening a picnic basket.

“Look Crowley!” the sweet little man smiled the most adorable smile that made his chubby cheeks go all fluffy, “I thought I’d try making a new kind of cheesecake, today. I found the recipe in that delightful book you got for me.”

This little Angel man was the CUTEST thing I had ever seen!! He just looked so soft and jolly and like the kind of person you’d want to run up to and hug! I was always led to believe Angels were ugly and horrid creatures, but he was just so adorable and sweet…! We didn’t have such endearing creatures in Hell. He brought out a reaction in me I’d never experienced before. I couldn’t contain myself, I ran over and gave him the biggest hug I could.

“Oooooooo!” I cooed at him, “Aren’t you just the cutest little thing?! Look at you, so round and perfect and adorable. You’re like a wee quail! Oh, you are so darling!”

“Oh dear!” the loveable little Angel panicked, “Madam, please release me!”

“Hey Tonya,” Crowley snarled at me from his spot on the picnic blanket, “Look up.”

Crowley was about to drop a radio on my head. Thankfully, Hastur dragged me away before he could do that.

“Who was THAT?!” the poor little confused sweet baby asked. 

“That, Angel, was Tonya,” Crowley explained with annoyance, “It looks like she actually pulled herself away from the telly long enough to notice her surroundings. She’s usually watching- Wait. That was Hastur with her. Why would those two be hanging around each other?”

“Perhaps they’re friends?”

“Demons like Hastur and Tonya don’t exactly go around making friends. Enough about them, let’s have our picnic.”

The three of us sat on a nearby bench and tried to discreetly watch what those two were doing. Lurking was so much harder in the daytime. Hastur was angrily devouring a sandwich he found in a bin, while Ligur was feeding some cute fat pigeons and I was feeding Shirley. Aziraphale and Crowley were listening to their radio, enjoying their snacks, and Aziraphale was happily snuggling up to Crowley. Aziraphale hugged Crowley tighter and said something to the Demon that made him smile and smooch the Angel on the lips. Said Angel’s cute little blush was easy to see against his pale cheeks. It was sickeningly sweet, like someone ripped the scene out of a cheesy romance movie.

“This is horrible!” Hastur spat.

“Well that’s because you found it in the trash, Dearie,” I said.

“Not the sandwich!” Hastur glared at me, “Me and Ligur were just doin’ our jobs, and Ligur gets killed by holy water! Crowley’s the biggest traitor Hell’s ever seen and he didn’t have to go through the pain of losing his little boyfriend. It ain’t right, I tell ya. HE should’ve gone through the torment of losing someone. I wish that blasted Angel was gone and Crowley felt the same pain I did!”

I knew that was a bad idea, and I think Ligur did too. As I raised my hand to snap my fingers, he grabbed my wrist to stop me.

“You don’t have to do that,” Ligur said.

“But I have to,” I whined, “He said ‘I wish’. I just hope you’re prepared for something terrible to happen.”

I snapped my fingers and suddenly, we were behind a car turned onto its side. An explosion went off by us, and we peaked over the car to see that Crowley was destroying the city.

“HASTUR!!!” he bellowed, his voice filled with rage that would even make Satan tremble. “HASTUR!!! YOU DID THIS!! YOU TOOK AZIRAPHALE FROM ME!!!! I KNOW YOU’RE HERE, HASTUR!! REAP WHAT YOU’VE SOWN!!!”

We ducked back behind the car.

“What the Heaven did you do?!” Hastur harshly whispered to me.

“This is the pain you felt when Crowley killed Ligur,” I whispered back, “You wanted to destroy him and anything or anyone standing in your way, now he’s prepared to do the same.”

“How did he know I had something to do with the blasted Angel disappearing?!”

“You knew exactly who melted Ligur, of course he’d know who made the Angel disappear. And you wanted revenge, did you not? He wants it, too. Perhaps we should call Hell for backup.”

“Are you daft?!” Hastur looked at me like I was indeed daft, “No one wants to take on Crowley since that farce of a trial. If holy water don’t work on him, what the Heaven can they do?!”

The car we were hiding behind got thrown to one side. Crowley was standing over us. Without his sunglasses, we could see he had the look of someone ready to end us.

“HASTUR!!” he howled in a booming and threatening voice even made me feel scared, “You killed my best friend! You complete and utter BASTARD!! I’m gonna discorporate you!!”

“Ligur!” I panicked as we started to run away, “You’re an Angel, can’t you do something about him?!”

“You said he was immune to holy water,” Ligur frowned at me, “Doubt there’s much I can do.”

“Oh dear.”

“I wish we were somewhere else!” Hastur quickly said.

I snapped my fingers and we were in an abandoned store just outside of London.

“What did you do to Aziraphale?” Ligur asked me as we tried to process the situation.

“When Hastur said he wanted the Angel ‘gone’”, I began, “He didn’t specify what he meant by ‘gone’, but I didn’t kill him. I… I couldn’t. I mean, I’d have no problems killing a human or any other Angel, but I couldn’t kill him!”

“If he’s not dead,” Ligur stopped me before I go off on a rant about how cute Aziraphale was, “Just give him back to Crowley and let's get this over with.”

“We have to go get him, first.”

“I wish we could find the stupid Angel!” Hastur demanded.

I snapped my fingers, and we fell from the sky into a cart of peaches at a fruit market in Bruges, Belgium.

“You destroyed my produce!!” the vendor yelled at us in Flemish, “You troublemakers owe me €200!!!”

“Peaches grow back, ya big galoot!” I waved him off as we climbed out of the cart.

“Why’d you send him here?!” Hastur glared at me.

“I dunno,” I shrugged, “I just chose a place Crowley wouldn’t think to look for him, but a place where he wouldn’t be unhappy.”

There was no specific reason why I chose Bruges. I just saw it on a program recently, so I suppose it was on my mind.

“You’re going soft, Tonya.”

“Bite your tongue!” I gasped, “I am just spiteful and vicious as ever! The only thing going soft around here are those nasty peaches.”

Across from the street, we saw Aziraphale happy reading a book and sipping a Belgian hot chocolate. He looked up when he heard us approaching.

“Hello!” he smiled at us in the pleasant way of his, but I could tell he was scared and just being nice. “I didn’t expect too see-I say, is that you, Raziel?” 

The sudden appearance of an Angel who supposedly Fell and became a Demon would shock anybody. I don’t know what was going on in his head, but I was probably conflicted about running away or seeing if he was hallucinating.

“I was Raziel,” said Ligur, “But I go by Ligur, now, I do. And I’m supposed to be a demon.”

“Oh yes,” Aziraphale said in that nervous tone, “I remember you, you were one of the fellows that was giving Crowley trouble.”

“He was NOT givin’ Crowley trouble!” Hastur jabbed a finger at Aziraphale’s nose, “He was just doing his job, he was, when the bastard melted him with holy water! He took my husband from me-”

“Stop it!” I shoved Hastur to the side, “You’re scaring the little sweetie!”

“He did that?” Aziraphale gave Hastur a look of sympathy, “Goodness, I had no idea… I certainly understand the pain you must have gone through. Erm, not to sound rude, but what exactly are you doing here?”

“What are YOU doing here?!” Hastur smacked the book out of his hands. I could’ve sent Shirley to attack him for that!

“I don’t actually know,” he admitted, "I was having a picnic with Crowley, when all of a sudden I was in this beautiful city! He did say he had a surprise planned, I figured this must be it. He did mention he wanted to take me on a vacation, but he always said we’d go to the beach. I was so looking forward to maybe getting a tan.”

“You actually tan?” I cooed at him, “Lucky you! No matter how much time I spend in the sun, it seems I remain pale enough that I look like a corpse.”

“If you’re finished,” Hastur shoved me aside, “You’re here because I sent you here. I wished that you were gone and the traitor Crowley could feel what I did when I lost Ligur. Only Tonya over ‘ere couldn’t stand the thought of you bein’ unhappy, so she sent you here.”

“You wished to send me away?” Aziraphale furrowed his brows.

“You know how we Demons can get with revenge,” I cut in, “And I’m happy that you like Bruges, but we have to take you back to London, now. Since you went and disappeared (let’s not focus on the reason why), Crowley’s pure skyrocket. He’s destroying the city and tryin’ to kill us and, quite frankly, I don’t enjoy having heavy things thrown at me.”

I grabbed the sweet Angel’s hand and Hastur wished for us to be where Crowley was. He was still tearing up the city, looking for either Hastur or Aziraphale. Whichever one he found worse, I suppose.

“Why did you wish for Crowley to be miserable?” Aziraphale asked Hastur, “I understand what he did upset you greatly, and that was not right at all. But you didn’t have to hurt him back.”

“Dearie,” I patted Aziraphale’s fluffy hair, “You have no idea how the mind of a Demon who ain’t Crowley works. Now hurry up and make ‘im stop destroying the city.”

Aziraphale cautiously approached the rampaging Crowley, calling out to him.

“Crowley,” he spoke up, “It… It’s alright now, Darling. I’m here. You can stop, I’m alright.”

“…Angel…?” Crowley turned around and looked at Aziraphale, his expression instantly softened. “What happened to you? Where did you go? If Hastur so much as hurt you in anyway-“

“I-I’m not hurt at all,” the sweet Angel calmed down the angry Demon, “I’m okay, and I don’t like seeing you so upset. Please, let us fix the city and go home.”

After what seemed like a long time, Crowley ran up to Aziraphale and gave him the biggest hug and smooch he could. He whispered something to the little cutie, but I didn’t hear what. Probably something mushy. He loved Aziraphale, that much was easy to see. It was also easy to see that if me and Hastur and Ligur stuck around longer, we’d probably get scolded. 

“Where the Heaven do you lot think you’re going?!” Crowley growled in a manner that actually scared us as we tried to leave, “You were responsible for this whole mess, you have to help clean it up!”

“Me?!” I said in an attempt to defend myself, “I was just doing my job and granting a wish! Blame Hastur, it was HIS wish!”

“YOU gave it that awful twist!” Hastur snapped and shoved me.

“I was doing my job!” I shoved him back, “YOU made the wish!”

Before we could starting punching each other, Ligur broke us apart.

“Do you two really want to fight with a Demon who’s immune to holy water?” he asked, “Who knows what else he could do if he’s feeling vengeful!”

I didn’t want to argue, or be discorporated, so I miracle a few things fixed. Ligur did too. Probably couldn’t help it, thanks to his new Angelic instincts. We left after we did our bit.

“Nothin’ ever goes right for me, it seems,” Hastur grumbled as we walked away, “I wish-“

“NO!” I stopped him right there, “No more saying the words ‘I wish’ unless ya know exactly what it is ya want t’ wish for! I’m not gettin’ discorporated on account o’ you, ya big galoot! We’re going about this all wrong. We need a plan instead of you just shouting out, ‘I wish’. I’m too tired to think of a plan right now, and I think you two are sick of me. You two do whatever, I need a break.”

I went back to Hell so I could watch as much ‘Monk’ as I wanted until I wasn’t stressed out. And guess who stopped me before I could make it to my little telly?

Yes, it was Kapaneus.

“Back from a long day of taking advantage of the insecure and desperate?” the galoot sneered.

“Mind your own business,” I spat, “What have YOU done?”

“I convinced a little boy that it was okay to take a measly £5 from his mum’s purse,” the bastard started to brag, “After all, she wouldn’t miss £5. And it was for a video game he REALLY wanted. No harm!”

“And you say I choose easy targets.”

“Well what have YOU done?!”

“What have I done? I… Shit, what have I done?”

“You didn’t do anything?” Kapaneus smirked, “Did you?”

“I’m planning something,” I lied quickly, “And it’s a secret.”

I couldn’t believe I forgot to get a soul! I was so caught up with Hastur and trying to fix the city, I didn’t do anything else. I was slacking off, which is not something I should’ve been doing.

“A secret, you say?” Kapaneus inquired, “What’s so secretive about it? Is Hastur involved, in some way? You two seem to be hanging out lately.”

“If I told you,” I said as I walked away, “It wouldn’t be a secret!”

Perhaps Kapaneus  _ could  _ process suspicion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again, my dearest Lindsay Caraway!!! A big virtual hug for you! ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hastur and Tonya try to make Ligur a demon again. It goes as well as you think.

The next day, we found Ligur again and started thinking of ideas to make him a demon again.

“How did you fall the first time?” I asked, “Maybe you could just do that again.”

“The first time,” Ligur began to reminisce, “Hastur and me questioned Heaven’s way of running things and why couldn’t we give the humans the choice to act selfishly. We also may have insulted Gabriel and the other Archangels one too many times.”

“Have you tried either of those?” I asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Last time it took us years of messin’ about to fall,” he answered, “I don’t want to be an Angel for any longer than I need to.”

“I don’t want that, either,” Hastur agreed.

“Me neither,” I added, “I don’t like drawing things out longer than they have to. …I have an idea!”

I snapped my fingers and we were in Trafalgar Square. Ligur was holding a megaphone and a piece of paper.

“Read from the paper,” I instructed him, “This’ll piss off those wankers in Heaven!”

“‘Attention!’” Ligur read allowed and spoke into the megaphone, “‘You have all been cheated and lied to! There is no Heaven after you die! You go somewhere, but it’s far from eternal paradise! You just become yes-men and over-worked, under-appreciated labour to the Archangels. They treat you like you’re stupid and send you on pointless errands. There is also only one TV channel and it doesn’t have ‘Monk’! You may as well be selfish bawbags, because it’s all downhill from here!’”

I thought for sure blaspheming Heaven like that would piss off Gabriel and his lot, but nothing happened. Nobody even paid us any mind, except some old lady who gave Ligur a £5 note and told him he was a very good and expressive public speaker. That’s probably why it didn’t work is ‘cause no one was paying attention. I forgot, you needed to convince people of what you were saying and for them to join in trash-talking Heaven and whatnot.

I also forgot: I’m over 6000 years old! Sue me!

“I think people around are too used to people with megaphones shouting stuff,” I said, “They’ve learned to ignore it. We’ll have to try somethin’ else. Erm… I know!

I snapped my fingers and we were inside a Tesco. I instructed Ligur to steal something that could easily be snuck out of the store, like a pack of gum or crisps. He shoved a pack of crisps into his jacket and we ran out the store and no one noticed.

Nothing happened.

“Huh,” I remarked, “I thought for sure that would work. Stealing is considered a sin, y’know?”

“It’s a £0.99 packet of crisps,” said Ligur, “This was the kind of mischief rebellious teenagers engage in, not a major sin. Heaven’s not going to care about that, they’re not.”

“I s’pose,” I nodded, “Can I have a crisp?”

“Enough of your ideas, Tonya” Hastur deadpanned and frowned at me, “We’re trying one of mine. I wish Ligur was a Demon again.”

“I can’t do that-“ I started to say, but Hastur cut me off.

“You also didn’t think you could bring back Ligur’s memories. I wish Ligur was a Demon again.”

I knew for sure I couldn’t make Ligur a demon again, but I tried. I snapped my fingers, and of course nothing happened. Ligur looked the same.

“How d’ya feel?” I asked him.

“I feel no different,” Ligur admitted with a dejected expression, “That was a good idea you had, though. I’m afraid Falling again will be much harder than we thought.”

“Y’must be miserable,” Hastur shook his head sadly, “I wish there was an easier was for you to fall.”

I couldn’t help it. He said, “I wish”. I snapped my fingers, and next thing I knew we were in a skydiving plane wearing parachutes, helmets, and goggles. 

Yes, even Shirley had her own little helmet.

“What the Heaven is going on?!” Hastur yelled over the plane’s engine, “What are we wearing?!”

“When you said ‘fall’,” I began to explain, “You didn’t specify what you meant. I guess I decided to use the literal meaning of ‘fall’, and now Ligur has to fall out of this plane.”

“How do you expect me to fall out of a plane?!” Ligur stared at me like I was insane, “I’ll just avoid this obvious gaping opening.”

“Maybe someone has to push you?” I suggested.

“You push me, and I’ll - AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

Ligur couldn’t finish his sentence because I shoved him out the plane. Hastur yelled a few very choice swear words at me and then jumped after him. I followed behind. Of course, Ligur’s not stupid. He pulled the parachute cord, but the parachute didn’t open.

“I wish Ligur would land on something soft like a mattress!” Hastur yelled out to me.

I snapped my fingers and a mattress appeared where Ligur was going to land. I mean, even without the mattress he would have survived. It’ll take more than a fall like that to kill an Angel. Eh, don’t ask how I know that. He landed safely, but-

“This mattress smells like old towels,” Ligur remarked unhappily.

I HAD to give it some sort of unpleasant twist!

“Tonya!” Hastur glared at me, “What the Heaven were you thinking?! You could’ve discorporate him! Or at the very least, maimed him.”

“It was your fault!” I snapped back at him, “You need to more specific with your wishes!”

“Listen,” Ligur spoke up, “We could try thousands of methods for an eternity and be no closer to making me a Demon, again. I think we need help.”

“Help?” Hastur parroted, “Explain.”

“I think Tonya was onto something when she said the Antichrist child had something to do with this whole situation,” Ligur explained, “And we know that Aziraphale and Crowley had something to do with the Antichrist child not bringing about the Apocalypse. Maybe they can get him to change me back?”

“NO,” Hastur said defiantly, “I am NOT going to the traitor Crowley for help of any kind.”

“And I doubt he’ll even help us,” I added, “Not after ol’ Hastur here made me send sweet little Aziraphale away like that.”

“I didn’t make you-! …The point is we’re not asking Crowley for help.”

“It might be the quickest way to fix me,” Ligur pointed out, “Unless you’d have any more ideas, Tonya? Perhaps I should procrastinate, or have an extra helping of dessert?”

“No,” I huffed at him, “And don’t be cheeky! Whatever, I think you’re right about us needing extra help from Crowley.”

“You’re just saying that ‘cause you want to see the Angel, again,” Hastur said to me in an accusatory tone.

“Well DUH!” I grinned back at him, “In all seriousness, if they can get us an audience with the Antichrist child, it could help. Tomorrow, we’ll go to Crowley, explain the situation, and hope he helps us.”

We went our separate ways, seeing as it was getting late. I didn’t really feel like going back to Hell just yet, so I nicked some keys to a little motel room and decided to relax. I was watching some movie about a little nerdy boy going to a wizard school, or something (I had so many questions about that school, like why weren’t they also teaching the kids math and what to do in an earthquake?), when I was interrupted by a horrifying face on the telly.

“TONYA!” Kapaneus yelled at me from behind the telly screen.

“GAH!!!” I screamed and covered myself, “You pervert! Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?!”

“You’re fully clothed,” he said, and I was. Just in my pyjamas, which no one else needs to see.

“…I could’ve been naked,” I harrumphed indignantly, “What’d’ya want?”

“I heard a rumour that you and Duke Hastur have been hanging around with an Angel and planning something not in Hell’s best interest,” he said, “Are these just rumours, or is there some truth to them?”

“Of course they’re just rumours! Me? Hang around with an Angel? Have you been drinking? Don’t be doaty! I’m leaving now.”

“Not so fast,” Kapaneus stopped me before I could switch off the telly, “I noticed you have been rushing off lately. And you have been hanging around Duke Hastur more than any Demon would want to. It’s all very suspicious. I know you two ain’t having an affair, Hastur only ever loved one Demon and it wasn’t you and your split ends. What exactly are the two of you up to? You’re not spending all that time at the library!”

I panicked and said the first thing that came to mind: “We’re… Selling moonshine.”

“Why?” he asked.

“We’re gonna get the kids hooked on alcohol,” I said, “As a gateway sort of thing. After booze comes meth. And then cocaine. And then ABBA. Forget about it!”

“And you need a partner for this because…?”

“…Hold, please.”

I switched off the TV and unplugged it for good measure.

“Oh Shirley,” I sighed, “We may be in deep shit.”

“Coo-coo,” Shirley chirped. 

I assume she was agreeing with me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some dancing, some truces are formed, and some cuteness between Azi and Crowley.

The next day, Hastur wished us to where Crowley was and we found ourselves in his flat. Crowley and adorable little Aziraphale were in the common room talking about something. We moved in closer to hear.

“I did have a surprise for you, Angel,” Crowley said as he took Aziraphale’s hands in his own, “The day of our picnic when you disappeared, I was going to ask you something important. _*Phew.*_ Aziraphale, we’ve only been a couple for 6 months, but we’ve been friends for over 6000 years. And I’ve loved you for at least that long. I can’t even begin to imagine a time in my life without you. When you said you loved me too, I was overjoyed! And… Well… I want you to stay the constant source of sunshine in my life you are.”

Crowley knelt down on one knee and presented a box with a beautiful ring in it to Aziraphale, who began to tear up.

“Aziraphale…” Crowley asked hopefully, “Will you marry me?”

“Oh Crowley…” Aziraphale smiled through his happy tears, “Yes. Yes! Of course I will!”

Crowley slipped the ring onto Aziraphale’s finger and they smooched. It was adorable! I couldn’t help myself, I started applauding. Aziraphale turned around and looked at me with a terrified expression.

“…How long have you been there?” he asked.

“Long enough to hear that adorable proposal!” I squeed, “Ooooooh, you are going to look so precious in your little tux, Dearie! Even cuter than you already do!”

“What are you doing here!?” Crowley demanded and stepped in front of Aziraphale like he was afraid I’d hurt him. I would never!

“I’m here with Hastur and Ligur,” I dragged my companions out from their hiding place, “We’re in a bit of a, erm, situation, and we need your help.”

“Ligur?!” Crowley jumped back in surprise at Ligur’s new appearance, “What happened to you?! Where’s your chameleon?!”

“All very good questions,” I said, “Here’s what happened.”

I gave them an explanation of what had happened. You’ve already heard it, you don’t need to hear it again. When I finished, Aziraphale looked much more sympathetic to the situation than Crowley did.

“That’s why we need your help,” I finished.

“Of course I’ll help!” Aziraphale agreed, “Oh Ligur, you poor man having to go through all of that. And I don’t even want to imagine the pain of losing your husband.”

“You two,” Crowley pointed angrily at Hastur and Ligur, “Were gonna kill me and gonna kill Aziraphale! I’m not helping you with anything!”

“YOU killed Ligur when he ain’t done nothin’ to ya!” Hastur spat back at Crowley, “And I am your superior! You can’t defy an order like that!”

“You and the rest of the higher ups in Hell said you’d leave me alone,” Crowley waved Hastur off, “I don’t have to do anything you say.”

I pulled Hastur aside and said to him, “None of what ya say is gonna work on Crowley. Try this.”

I whispered something to Hastur, which he then repeated to Crowley:

“Ligur was like my Aziraphale!”

THAT certainly got Crowley’s attention. And I knew that would work on him, the old softy!

Erm, don’t tell Crowley I called him that.

“Alright…” Crowley finally gave in, “When you put it like that, I get it. But I’m mostly doing this because Aziraphale is so gung-ho about it.”

“Yaldi!” I cheered, “Now, I suppose we should start with what happened after the Apocalypse didn’t. I know you two had something to do with it not happening, can ya enlighten me?”

They told me how they convinced the Antichrist child to fix the world to how it used to be before he mucked about and raised Atlantis and whatnot.

“So he fixed the world?” I repeated as I began to move about the room like Mr. Monk would, “He set it right… Hmm… Here’s what happened:

"When the Antichrist child put things back like how they were before the failed Armageddon, he could only do so much. Like how he fixed Crowley’s car and the Angel’s bookshop, he fixed you, Ligur. But he never met you or Hastur before, so he had no idea you were supposed to be a Demon. He fixed you a little too well; he reset you. Put you back a few thousand years, to when you were still an Angel before the Fall. And because it was before the Fall, you had no memories of the last 6000 years. That’s why you didn’t know anything!”

“So what now?” Ligur asked, seeming to accept my explanation. “We ask the Antichrist child to make me a Demon?”

“We can certainly try,” Aziraphale had an unsure look on his face, “But he’s been trying not to use his powers and just be a normal boy. Oh, I would so hate to make him do something that conjures up memories of a dark period in his life.”

“I have no issues with that,” Hastur grinned and rubbed his hands together, “C’mon, Ligur! Let’s force the little bugger to make you a Demon if we have to!”

“He’s the Antichrist child,” Ligur frowned, “We cannot force ‘im to do nothin’, we can’t. He could evaporate us if he so pleased.”

“Nice enthusiasm, though,” I said, “Any other ideas?”

“Did ya try blaspheming Heaven?” Crowley asked.

“Didn’t work,” I answered.

“I know what we can do make you a Demon!” Aziraphale suddenly perked up, “What is something Demons do that Angels don’t?”

“Say ‘no’ to pizza?” I guessed.

“Sell bootleg CDs?” Crowley suggested.

“Catch fire when they go into a Church?” said Hastur.

“Erm,” Aziraphale frowned, “Not what I had in mind. And I can definitely say ‘no’ to pizza. I meant that Angels-well, _most_ Angels-don’t dance. But Demons dance, so you just need to dance again!”

Aziraphale put on a record and very elegant classical music started to play. He linked one of his arms with Ligur, and then gestured for the rest of us to join him. Crowley took Aziraphale’s other arm, Hastur took Ligur’s, and I took Hastur’s.

“This is called the gavotte!” Aziraphale cheerfully explained to us, “You just follow me!”

Sweet little Aziraphale led us in the dance, looking so happy as he did so. Crowley was trying not to look like he was enjoying it, but he was. Meanwhile, Ligur looked confused, Hastur looked uncomfortable, and I was struggling to keep up with the moves. This wasn’t the kind of dancing Demons did, it was far too organized. Ligur was obviously not enjoying himself. I unliked my arm from Hastur’s and turned off the record.

“Dearie,” I shook my head at Aziraphale, “THAT wasn’t music.”

I snapped my fingers and one of my favourite records appeared. I put it on the player and one of my favourite songs started to play.

“THIS is music!” I laughed and began to move to the beat as Joe Elliott sang.

_Sittin' dark getting taken 'cause I said_

_Something lewd in a low down accent_

_Yeah yeah yeah_

_Kinda love those eyes_

_I wanna get down honey_

_But I ain't your guy_

“Def Leppard!” Crowley nodded approvingly at my choice, “Nice!”

Crowley started dancing with me too, then the rest of them joined in. 

_Slang with me, I don't wanna get my hands dirty_

_Slang with me, I just wanna get soakin' wet_

_Slang with me, I don't wanna get my hands dirty_

_All I ever wanna get is slang_

As we were dancing, Ligur suddenly grabbed Hastur and dipped him. He put his hands on Hastur’s waist and attempted to lead him in some sort of dance, Hastur responded accordingly and let himself be led. They were obviously enjoying themselves, they probably danced together all the time before the incident. For the first time since this mission of ours started, I saw Hastur and Ligur SMILE! They kept twirling and dipping until the song ended and everyone was in a noticeably better mood.

“That was fun!” Aziraphale giggled adorably, “How do you feel, Ligur?”

“The same,” he dejectedly answered, “Just ‘cause Angels don’t dance, it’s not a cardinal sin. Dancing wasn’t gonna change me back, none.”

“No,” Aziraphale admitted, “But the fact that you danced at all is a good sign!”

“I suppose,” Ligur shrugged, “But we’ll have to keep trying something else.”

Luckily for Ligur, we now had two extra blokes around to give us a hand! Y’know what they say, five heads are better than three!

…Boy, I wonder what my donor card would’ve looked like.

“We have slightly more of a plan now,” I said happily to everyone, “And that’s good! Now, let’s see what else we can think of to-“

“If you don’t mind,” Ligur interrupted me, “Hastur and I would like a little alone time.”

“It’s nothin’ personal,” Hastur continued, “We’re just sick of hanging around you all the time.”

“…Fine,” I raised an eyebrow at his rudeness and pursed my lips, “I can take a hint, ya big galoot. Bye, now.”

I left to collect a soul. Some lady had suspected the spark was gone from her marriage, and wished her husband once again just loved her and only her. She got her wish. He became more like a minion/mindless devotee to her on a creepy level. Meanwhile, Hastur and Ligur went to catch up with all the dancing with each other they’d missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that the characters dance to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbEAn02ObDM


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kapaneus is back to cause trouble for our main characters!

You’ll never guess what happened; I actually DID go the library! I went and did research on how an Angel could fall, exactly, but all the books just said the Angel had to have sinned. Nothing specific beyond that.

Useless books!

I knew the major sins were the seven deadly ones, then there was also stuff like don’t kill and don’t commit adultery. Unless you’re reading the Wicked Bible. THEN adultery is completely fine!

I smuggled as many books on the subject as I could out of the library and went back to Crowley’s flat. I was pretty distracted, though, and I didn’t notice someone was following me. Y’think I would’ve learned by now not to walk with my headphones in…

“I got plenty of books!” I grinned at the Angels and the Demons I now called my co-conspirators, “We just need to read over them and perhaps we can get some ideas. I tried to, but I need some fresh eyes.”

“The definition of sinning seems to change so much as time passes,” Ligur said as he flipped through a book, “This might be harder than we thought.”

“That’s why there’s four of us,” I pointed out, “Now the plan will hopefully go smoother with us all combining our superior immortal intellects.”

“You don’t got no intellect,” Hastur scoffed at me, “Your brain’s filled wiv’ nuthin’ but ‘Monk’ trivia and other trivia.”

“That may be true,” I admitted, “But you’re not much better. At least I understood what a programme was. I remember when they first invented the telly, you still didn’t understand how they trapped the people in the little box. Or that it weren’t real.”

It’s true. After I explained the images on the telly weren’t happening in real time, the next struggle was explaining that not everything on the telly was real.

“It’s fictional!” I had tried to explain, “Like a novel or a radio show, but you can see what’s happening. I mean, surely you can’t think that something as nonsensical as ‘The Twilight Zone’ is…”

Hastur got this very unsettling smile on his face.

“That poor woman forgot she was a mannequin,” Hastur chuckled darkly, “She was so laughably pathetic! ‘owed the humans find a way to make living mannequins, anyways?”

I gave up trying to explain the telly to Hastur after that.

Back in the present, Aziraphale was fondly looking through one of the books I’d grabbed.

“Not to worry, Ligur,” he smiled comfortingly, “We’ll find a way to fix everything, then you and Hastur will be together again.”

“A-HA!!!” Kapaneus chose that moment to crash in through a window he’d been spying on us from.

“AAAAH!!!” I screamed and recoiled in horror, “What the Heaven are you doing here, ya big galoot?!”

“I KNEW you were up to something!” Kapaneus exclaimed and pointed an accusing finger at me, “I just KNEW it! I followed you here and what did I find?! You’re not selling moonshine, you’re plotting something with Angels, Crowley the traitor, and Duke Hastur! Probably planning to take over both Heaven and Hell, you greedy guttersnipe!”

“No,” I frowned, “That’s not it at all-“

“Conspiring against Hell like this will get you dipped in holy water,” the galoot continued, “And I doubt you and Duke Hastur are immune. And I’ll bet the Archangels will want to hear about you lesser Angels planning to overthrow them! You’re coming with me!”

“I wish Kapaneus was somewhere else!” Hastur panicked.

I snapped my fingers, but nothing happened. I snapped them again. And again. Nothing happened.

“Stop fucking around!” Hastur snapped at me.

“I’m not!” I swore.

“I thought you’d try to use a wish on me,” Kapaneus smirked like a fox who’d cornered his prey, “So I pulled a favour with a Duke that owed me a favour and they made me a wish blocker. Wish all you want, I’m immune to them!”

“…Well shit,” I said, “I hadn’t anticipated that.”

“I wish WE were somewhere else!” Hastur yelled out as he gestured for everyone to take a hold of me.

I snapped my fingers and we were in a little pawn shop in the city. I guess it was closed, though, because we set off some alarm. Ligur snapped his fingers and the alarm stopped, but it was too late because out from the backroom came the shopkeeper and his hunting rifle. 

“What’re you doing in my shop?!” he growled at us, “You better have a good answer or-“

Hastur snapped his fingers and the shopkeeper passed out. He wasn’t dead, he just fainted. A dead body would raise too much suspicion. Hastur weren’t stupid.

“There you are!” Kapaneus suddenly poofed himself into the shop.

“How did you-?!” I started to ask.

“This is the store where you pawned your first telly,” Kapaneus answered, “I thought you’d come back here. And just you wait until the Big Bosses hear about what you lot’ve been up to!”

Meanwhile, Crowley picked up the hunting rifle the guy dropped and started posing with it like a soldier in the movies.

“What do you think, Angel?” he chuckled, “Does this make me look like a badass?”

“Crowley!” Aziraphale gasped and snatched the gun away, “Don’t play with that, it’s a weapon! You could kill or seriously hurt-“

BANG!!!

“AAAAHHHHH!!!!!”

The gun went off, I’m guessing Aziraphale accidentally pulled the trigger or it was faulty, and Kapaneus got shot in the leg. Of course he wouldn’t die from the gunshot wound and he could heal it with no problems, but it was still not a nice thing to experience. I snickered when he yelled out in pain. He had it coming!

“Oh dear!” Aziraphale tossed the gun aside, “I’m so sorry, dear boy! It was an accident-!”

“It’s fine!” I dragged Aziraphale away, “He’ll bounce back. And you are my new hero!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lindsaaaaaaay!! You are a star beta, thanks for all your help!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to wrap up for Hastur and Ligur. A big change has come about.

I snapped my fingers again and we were in that same abandoned warehouse I liked to go for quiet time. 

“Okay,” I said, “That was a close call. Let’s get to reading and figuring something out before someone else tries to take us down.”

We cracked open our books and started to read. I don’t know how much time passed, when suddenly Kapaneus poofed into the room again.

“Nice try, Tonya!” he smirked, “It’ll take more than a mere bullet to stop me!”

“You again?!” I frowned in annoyance, “Don’t you have a sewer to crawl through or something, ya big galoot?!”

“Oh Tonya,” the jackass continued to smirk and shook his head, “You wouldn’t be taunting me if you knew I didn’t come alone this time.”

“Yes I would.”

“…Okay, you’re right. But I didn’t come alone!”

Gabriel and Beelzebub appeared behind Kapaneus. Gabriel had that usual condescending look on his face and Beelzebub, as usual, looked ready to kill someone.

“And they know about…?” I asked nervously.

“We know,” Gabriel grinned at me, “This boy with the hagfish around his neck told us everything. I was skeptical to believe him at first, but as soon as I heard Aziraphale was involved, I was more convinced.”

“Why is it whenever there’s any trouble,” Beelzebub spat, “It’s always you, Crowley? You and that Angel? Kapaneus tells us you five have been conspiring in some big plot to overthrow Heaven and Hell.”

“That is not true!” I protested, “We don’t want to take over anything. Besides, how could only five of us overthrow your armies?”

“Besides,” Crowley snickered, “Tonya’s too lazy to do the paper work that comes with being in charge.”

“HEY!” I shouted at him.

“I’m not turning my back on Hell,” Hastur spoke up, “I just want Ligur back.”

“And I want to go back to Hastur,” Ligur agreed.

“Kapaneus, you dolt!” Beelzebub smacked Kapaneus upside the head, “They’re not planning to overthrow us, you got that wrong and brought me here for nothing!”

“But I thought-“ Kapaneus tried to defend himself, but was cutoff.

“Next time you come to me with ‘big news’,” Beelzebub continued to berate him, “Make sure you actually know what the news is. I’ll have to have a talk with you.”

Beelzebub grabbed Kapaneus by the ear like one would a naughty child and poofed them both back to Hell. Gabriel stayed behind.

“Raziel,” Gabriel smirked condescendingly, “You were given something no other Demon has been; a second chance at a place in Heaven. You know, Heaven. The eternal paradise. Are you seriously about to throw that all away for this guy with the Andy Warhol hair?”

Hastur frowned at that comment and absent-mindedly examined his hair.

“Yes,” Ligur confirmed defiantly, “He’s my husband and I love him. More than I ever loved anything Heaven had to offer. I’d much prefer to be a Demon, again.”

“Really?” Gabriel’s smile grew more slimy, “How interesting!”

Gabriel grabbed Ligur by the arm, snapped his fingers, and they disappeared. Me, Hastur, Aziraphale, and Crowley just stood there trying to process what we just saw.

“What in the name of the SFPD just happened?!” I asked no-one in particular.

“Where did they go?!” Hastur began to panic, “Where has that bastard taken Ligur?!”

“Calm down, everyone!” Aziraphale tried to shush us, “I don’t know what happened, but Ligur can defend himself. He should be fine…”

We suddenly heard screaming and someone-yes, some _ one _ -fell through the roof of the warehouse. We crowded around the crater the person made when they fell, and saw-

“Ligur?!” Hastur gasped in shock.

Yes, it was Ligur! He slowly pulled himself up into a sitting position, and me and Hastur went to help him out of the crater.

“What did Gabriel and his lot do to you?!” Hastur began to question poor dazed Ligur, “When I get my hands on him-“

He stopped mid-tirade when he got a better look at Ligur. I wanted to see what could silence Hastur mid-tirade, when I saw it too. Ligur’s eyes weren’t that blue colour anymore. They were once again that glowing orange they had been when he was a Demon. He also wasn’t emitting that Angelic energy anymore. This was a distinctly Demonic energy!

Ligur was a Demon again. 


	10. Chapter 10

“…Are you two seeing the same thing I’m seeing?” I asked Aziraphale and Crowley.

“You mean that Ligur’s a demon again?” Crowley wanted to confirm, “I see it.”

“As do I,” nodded Aziraphale.

“Oh good,” I said with relief, “I was worried those mushrooms on that pizza I ate weren’t fully cooked and I was hallucinating. Erm, Ligur, what happened to ya?”

Ligur explained that when Gabriel poofed the two of them to Heaven, he was taken straight to God and Gabriel said that Ligur wanted to renounce his heavenly status to be a Demon again. Of course, God didn’t take too kindly to this and Ligur Fell right then and there. Hastur smiled the biggest smile I’d ever seen him make, hugged Ligur around the neck, and kissed him all over his face. He kept saying, “You’re back!”, and other such happy nonsensicals. Ligur hugged Hastur back and looked just as happy to be back.

“You did it, Tonya,” Hastur said to me, “You brought my husband back.”

“I didn’t really do anything,” I admitted with a shrug.

“You found him,” Hastur continued, “You paid your end of the deal. Now it’s my turn.”

“It’s been a long and very strange day,” Ligur said, “Let’s go home.”

Using his restored demonic powers, Ligur poofed himself, me, and Hastur back to our home in Hell. The next day, I was called into a meeting in Beelzebub’s office. Hastur and Ligur were already there and Ligur’s chameleon was back on his head.

“Viscountess Tonya,” Beelzebub regarded me with cold indifference, “Duke Hastur and Duke Ligur tell me that you played a part in bringing Duke Ligur back to our side.”

“I suppose I did, Ser,” I nodded.

“I knew Kapaneus was makin’ things up when he said you were planning to overthrow both sides,” they continued, “I’ve made him go to sobriety camp. I suspect he snuck into one too many wine tastings, again. But this isn’t about him, this is about you, Tonya. Hastur has spoken as highly of you as he is capable of. He says you deserve a promotion.”

“He  _ did _ ?” I could barely contain my grin.

“He did,” Beelzebub repeated, “And after some deliberation, I have decided you’re still not ready to move up to the rank of Countess.”

“Oh thank you! Thank you, Your Highness! I… Wait. What did you just say?”

“You’re not ready. You’re too easily distracted. I reviewed the work you did while you were busy on your little mission, and you didn’t meet your soul quotas. The  _ souls _ are your job, not your little side projects. Not only that, but some of the souls you collected were lost to the other side. And, if I’m to be perfectly honest, your sneaking around and formulating a secret plan is not the kind of behaviour Hell wants in its higher-ups. You’re not ready for the promotion.”

“Well…” I rubbed the back of my neck nervously, “When you put it like that… Fair enough. Erm, good-bye.”

I left Beelzebub’s office in embarrassment, Hastur and Ligur followed me closely.

“I didn’t think that would happen-“ Hastur began, but I stopped him.

“No,” I smiled sadly, “You paid your end of the deal, that’s all I wanted. Thanks. I… I suppose I should get to work, now. Time to collect the souls I lost.”

“Wait!” Ligur called to me. 

I stopped walking and turned around to face him and Hastur

“Thank you for what you did,” Ligur said to me, “I don’t know how much longer I would’ve remained an Angel, had it not been for your self-serving attitude and plan.”

“I do what I can,” I replied, not sure how to reply to that.

“Tonya,” Hastur said, “You did something wonderful for us. You’re not completely unbearable.”

“Thanks,” I smiled with a small chuckle, “That’s probably the nicest thing you’ve ever said to anyone who isn’t Ligur. I’ll see you both later, maybe if I make anymore self-serving plans.”

I went up to surface to find some more souls to collect. I didn’t get my promotion this time around, but I did get Hell back one of it’s most valued Dukes. There would always be a later time for a promotion. I do have all the time in the world.

Oh! I think I see someone desperate to make the football team! 

That’s my cue!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S OVER!!   
> Special big thank you to Lindsay Caraway, my amazing beta!!! (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my friend Lindsay Caraway for being my beta reader!  
> All illustrations are by me unless otherwise specified.


End file.
